Because so many web sites have told me to, and Daily Rotten has posted the link, I've read the lawsuit brought by Fox News against Al Franken for use of the trademarked phrase "Fair and Balanced" on the cover of his new book Lies And the Lying Liars Who Tell Them: A Fair and Balanced Look at the Right, or LATLLWTT:AFABLATR for short(Rendered acronymically, you can see that Franken's book title looks like a ratio between two atrociously misspelled 18th century insults. It's the "Lattlewitt¹ to Affabulator² Ratio" postulated by Dr. Pangloss, or maybe it represents some sort of cosmic bullshit balance between the centuries, with Dr. Pangloss at one end and Mr. Arbuthnot at the other.)

I don't read many lawsuits and so I'm not a fine judge of what passes for legal briefsmanship, but surely this can not be it. At one point the document refers to the plaintiff as "Pox News," which may be a copy error on the part of rotten.com, but rarely have I seen orthography and semantics dovetail so neatly in error. Whoever drafted the complaint seem bit poxy themselves, taking opportunities to provide details about their merchandise (honestly: who cares about their line of coffee cups and neckties?) and snipe snidely³ at Franken's career. Here is Paragaph 77 under Count 6 of the complaint:

Franken has recently been described as a "C-level political commentator" who is "increasingly unfunny." Franken has physically accosted Fox News personalities in the past, and was reported to have appeared either intoxicated or deranged as he flew into a rage near a table of Fox News personalities at a press correspondents' dinner in April 2003. Franken is neither a journalist nor a television news personality. He is not a well-respected voice in American politics; rather, he appears to be shrill and unstable. His views lack any serious depth or insight. Franken is commonly perceived as having to trade off of the name recognition of others in order to make money. One commentator has referred to Franken as a "parasite" for attempting to trade off of Fox News' brand and O'Reilly's fame in the Preliminary Cover of his Book.

Or how about this pithy and grammatically challenged piece of self-aggrandizement:

79. Defendants' use of the Trademark also tarnishes the mark by associating the mark with Franken's sophomoric approach to political commentary. Such a use lessens the reputation of FNC for having a team of first-rate journalists and news personalities who gather, report, and analyze the news.

A-ha. You can't make fun of Fox because they're so... first rate, as well as "distinctive," "number one rated," "world famous," and even "stellar". Look out, Mars Broadcasting. The more you read the complaint, the more it sounds as if O'Reilly himself wrote the damn thing. Or more likely screamed it into a dictaphone while jumping up and down on his pile of money.

A wee update: I did a little extra reading and it turns out I'm not the only one who wonders if O'Reilly wrote portions of the Fox complaint. For a fair and balanced look at the man was rude even to Molly Ivins, check out rotten.com's review of his works.

²Affabulator: A genial liar whose explanations sound reasonable until he leaves the room.

³Egads, Mann Rightly! Snipe Snidely has stolen the Prudworth Diamond again, curse his mustachios!

parode - exode