Original Favorites: Ham or Bacon and Eggs, Bangers and Eggs, Hamburger Steak and Eggs, Pork Chop and Eggs, Steak and Eggs, Breakfast Bagel, Corned Beef Skillet, Hot or Cold Cereals, Fruity Iced Oats, 2 Eggs and Toast, 2 Eggs and Toast and Savory Diced Potatoes
What's Wrong With Yesterday's Menu: I confess to having very little experience with the omelettes. I've tried the True Grit, which purports to contain chili, cheese, bacon (?) and 'jumbo onion' in its ovine folds. It's not bad, but I can't figure out why they advertise the jumbo onion so assiduously. It's not as if I want an entire onion on my plate. (Note: for a great metaphorical anecdote about jumbo onions, read Nick Tosches' The Last Opium Den.) What's interesting about the omelette section is the occasionally opaque but but refreshing movie-allusion playfulness, as if a dead Hollywood theme restaurant were haunting the Humpty's menu. The movie references range all the way from movie musicals (The South Pacific) to contemporary Southern gothic demi-lesbian melodramas (Fried Green Tomatoes). I'm a little uncertain if the Meatballs omelette (a meatball omelette? my lord) is a sign of thematic fatigue or a reference to the 1979 camping sex farce with Bill Murray (Are you ready for the good times, yeah yeah).
Today we're interviewing a naval architect who's done a feasability study of Noah's Ark. My favorite question: "Where does all the dung go?" I bet Pete Seeger could have made a fantastic song out of it.
Here, without a doubt, is an actual news item that really appeared in today's Globe & Mail:
There is a new "crisis of infidelity" breeding in the workplace, contends Baltimore psychologist and marital researcher Shirley Glass. Often it does not involve sexual thrill-seekers, but good people, peers who are in solid marriages. "The new infidelity is between people who unwittingly form deep, passionate connections before realizing that they've crossed the line from platonic friendship into romantic love," she says, adding that such affairs do not have to include sex. This revised concept of an affair is embraced by increasing numbers of Ms. Glass's colleagues, writes Karen Peterson in USA Today. People are "incredibly devastated by their partner's emotional affair," says Peggy Vaughan, who has researched infidelity for 20 years. "They separate over it, divorce over it, this breaking of a trust, a bond."
Horrors. How could it possibly happen that happily married people develop a passion for a coworker? Let's take a look at the daily schedule of a typical married couple.
5:30 AM - Lotus gets out of bed.
6:45 AM - The Lotus leaves for work, making sure to say goodbye to a semi-conscious Palinode.
7:30 AM - Palinode drags his sorry ass out of bed.
8:30 AM - The Lotus phones home to make sure that Palinode is really awake.
9:15 AM - Palinode goes to work, somehow having been up nearly two hours and still not managed to shave, shower, or eat that grapefruit.
3:00 PM - The Lotus leaves work and goes off to have a cup of coffee, a beer, a plate of fries, a natural experience, whatever.
4:30 PM - Some 22 year old kid approaches The Lotus and asks if he can have a drink with her sometime. She tells him that she's married and that she's perfectly willing to have a drink with him sometime if a) it's not a romantic overture and b) if Palinode can come too. He seems receptive to the idea, and The Lotus trusts him, but Palinode is wise to the ways of men, especially ones who hit on his wife, and wants to put the hurt on him a little bit. Lotus finds the phrase "put the hurt on" really funny.
5:00 PM - The Lotus comes home.
6:00 PM - Palinode comes home. The start of Together Time.
6:00 PM-9:30 PM - Together Time activities may include but are not limited to: eating, talking, reading, watching television, noodling on the computer, intimate physical activities that strengthen the bond between loving couples, light housecleaning.
9:30 PM - The Lotus falls dead asleep. She could be in mid-cartwheel and snoring away by the time she finished rotation.
9:30 PM-12:00 AM - Palinode cultures his literary taste or plays video games, depending on his mood.
12:00 AM - Palinode wakes The Lotus briefly and leads her to bed.
If you factor in variations in the schedule and time spent talking to each other on the phone during the course of the workday, The Lotus and I spend four hours out of every twenty-four conscious and interacting on weekdays. That's one sixth of our work week. I spend eight hours of every day with my coworkers, or one third of my workweek. Or: double the time I spend with The Lotus. How is it that we live in a world in which we spend far more time with strangers than with the people we've chosen to be close to? No wonder Valentine's Day seems more like a psychosis than an occasion.
Speaking of all things related to Eros: I love the musings about porn from Sex & Guts Magazine: "I just can't stomach the drug fueled screw psychosis and apathetic fuck machining that is hardcore pornography". Why can't I come up with a phrase like that?
Retracted on 2003-02-14::4:43 p.m.
parode - exode