THE SOFTWARE WE TRULY WANT AND NEED TODAY, IN OUR BUSY, OUR HECTIC, OUR TRULY RODENTIAL LIVES

1. Woo-Z Viewer: A display utility that will cause your monitor to blur like you've been playing Doom for the last 32 hours straight. Says Wilmer Valderrama of That 70s Show: "This is a lightweight utility that'll make you feel like you and your pals have been going hardcore on Halo and keeping it real!"

2. WinMatrix: More than a screensaver, this program will convert your Windows OS into Matrix-style code. Impress your friends! Run your household on the bioenergy of an imprisoned pet in a perpetual virtual dream. Registered version comes with free upgrades and three pod-wombs (for pets up to medium-dog size).

3. MaunderLite: This easy-to-use and inexpensive program will cause your computer to mutter barely coherent oaths and imprecations against a target of your choice! Drop-down lists and a drag-and-drop interface make it easy to create and edit new categories of abusive mumbling. Make your home computer a true "man of the street" with MaunderLite! Also available: MaunderPro with webcam capability. Make your computer screech and babble whenever your cam detects motion.

4. Cohere: A few days after you install Cohere, you will find the disk drives and the ports on your system unit covered with a clear mucus-like substance. You clean it off, but the next day it's back. Eventually the entire tower unit will be encased in a hard shell of dried mucus. You see vague shapes move within. When your computer gnaws its way to freedom in the middle of the night and settles on you with buzzing wings, you don't even wake up. Cohere is open source software under GNU public license.

5. So Tired: Days you have wandered, your head stuffed with cotton gauze, your eyes about to glue themselves shut. But you can't stop just yet. Just over the next rise. Maybe you'll find water there, or food, or at long last, a friendly face. When was the last time you saw the face of another human being? In a few places you've found damp sand, but you can die of thirst trying to get enough moisture that way. The sun is pitiless. So tired.

6. Angry Military Analysis: With AMA you can download the latest intelligence forecasts and receive real-time military analysis about the world's hottest hot spots. Receive the best in strategic info now! Are you looking elsewhere for military analysis? Are you? Well - stop! I mean, have you seen the garbage that our competitors offer? Have you - what the fu - FUCK! What a load of total crap! We're the best here, and you're all like "Oh no, I've got other sources of information". Haven't you heard? Are you even listening here? Those sources suck. And I don't want to say so, but my up-to-date real-time analysis engine tells me you're getting down for a big suckfest with your precious fucking sources. Individual and corporate licenses available.

parode - exode