Once more dyed the rich red colour of sockeye salmon

real outfits for the lads: Smug Mountie is drunk with lemonade and power
real outfits for the lads: future redneck rancher is two seconds away from whuppin' you
real outfits for the lads: you can't see it, but this kid's wearing chaps.
Flashy Gene Autry sling style holster, with artificial firearm and Curse of Gene Autry
Real outfits for the panicked Home Front

Vitals

Written by the guy who hums to himself as he paws through the dumpster

Fueled by rage and fresh roasted peanuts

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Die Schmutz

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Fueled by rage and fresh roasted peanuts

geestelijk huisvuil

This here is a germ of a joke that made me giggle very briefly. A throwaway notion, fit for the mental trash bin. Basure de la mente. Abfall des Verstandes. Ordures de l'esprit. So I spun it out into an entire entry.

MISGUIDED ADVERTISING COPY FOR THE GLEANRITE AUTO-GLEANER

Some people in their quest for knowledge ask questions, many inquire, others troll for information, but only a select blessed few glean. The gleaners are a hard lot, some grizzled, others merely lined and wrinkled, but you will mark them by their purposeful stride and the Electric Gleaners hooked to their belts. A few wear ponchos, and those ones you must avoid, for they have forsaken morality and humanity long ago. They live to glean, and if it is you that they wish to glean then there is no hope for you. The best you can do is try to look nice for the event, and scrub carefully in those hard to reach places. And those murderous creatures who walk in the shadow alleyways between Good and Evil use... The GleanRite Auto-Gleaner!

READ THESE GLOWING TESTIMONIALS!

Elizabeth S. of Chicago IL: "My father was a gleaner. Some nights he would get drunk - I mean, angry drunk - and chase my mother around the table with his GleanRite Auto-Gleaner. He would get in a rage and glean the dog, then storm out and not come home for days. Every time I hear the sound of an air conditioner I tense up, thinking, you know, that Dad's back with his gleaner, and he's come for me at last".

Karl M. of San Fransisco CA: "I was there during the Fire of '06, moving unseen here and there through the panicked crowds, harvesting a bounty crop of fear and pain. The mothers cowering in the corners with their babes, the men weeping in the streets, the night sky stained with a hellish parody of day. All that suffering. So much death. I grew strong that night, bloated like a blood tick. And I owe it all to the GleanRite Auto-Gleaner".

Brian R. of NYC: "As a professional researcher to the stars, The GleanRite Auto-Gleaner helps me out whenever a celebrity needs to know that difficult bit of information. Need to know hairstyles and belt buckles of 18th century Raleigh? The sexy secrets of the originators of textual transmission theory? Just why it is that Death equals Adder in Golden Axe? Me and my Auto-Gleaner are the man for you! But you know, lately I've felt kind of kind of stretched out, like bread scraped over too much butter. Is that right?"

GET YOURS TODAY!

EAT DYE AND SHIT

If you're disappointed with the colour of your salmon, call 1-800-263-0867 and order the Hoffman-LaRoche Salmofan�, a paint-chip style colour wheel for salmon farmers who need to visualize the desired colour of their crop (other than a dull ugly grey). According to the government of Canada website on Pacific salmon farming, the most popular colour among consumers by a margin of 2:1 is Colour 33, a rich shade of red.
see that sockeye flavour?
Apparently, "market research suggests that consumers believe darker salmon colours are indicators of higher quality and better taste". The site also notes that "a buyer specifying sockeye would be disturbed to receive fish that was less than a rich red in colour". If you find that hard to believe, take a look at these distressing customer testimonials:

Ron Z. from Elbow SK: "I thought I had everything - a beautiful wife, two great kids and a fulfilling job. That all changed when I came home on a Friday afternoon to find out that Eileen was preparing sockeye salmon for supper that was less than a rich red in colour. I pushed her down the stairs and smothered the children as they slept. The whole weekend was spent cutting them into sufficiently small pieces that I could put in my briefcase for a series of "business meetings" at the city dump (wink, wink). But I saved their blood so I could dye my sockeye a deep rich red. If only Eileen had bought salmon steaks from a company that used the one and only Salmofan�".

Svetlana O. from Collingwood ON: "I was disturbed to find that my sockeye salmon steaks were less than a rich red in colour".

Retracted on 2003-05-30::1:31 p.m.


parode - exode


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