Just when you thought that there was no stupider movie adaption of League of Extraordinary Gentlemen than League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Van Helsing comes out. Van Helsing is relentlessly agonizingly stupid, a dumb-fest, a boomathon, an intel-insult-o-party with millions of millions of dollars of the dumbest CGI I've seen since Sliders. Nonetheless, there are few lessons to be taken away from this utter waste of 90+ bombastic minutes:

1. Confessional booths in Rome are equipped with steel gratings and underground laboratories.

2. Ancient Latin inscriptions have an ABABAB rhyme scheme in translation.

3. The best way to set a wagon on fire is to have a werewolf jump on it.

4. The greatest evil of the world appears to be runway Eurotrash and fashion designers. And come to think, same goes for the best hope of humankind.

5. If you're evil, why stand still when you can spin around and moan?

6. Water is for falling into from a great height, not for drinking.

7. Dracula's army is a breeding experiment between Jawas and Oompaloompas.

8. For truly great final battles, replace the characters you've been watching for the last hour with CGI monsters. You'll care a whole lot more.

9. Eastern Europe is all cliff.

10. Dracula's millions of children were all purchased from a novelty store liquidation sale.

11. Catholic priests don't mind if you set the body on fire in the middle of the funeral.

12. In Transylvania, everyone gets their own accent.

parode - exode