People. People! I know you're people, you people who read my site. I've lied to you. Here's a list of my lies, taken directly from my own words. Click on the dates to see the filthy lying entries themselves:

Jan. 23/03: Super Lunch Combo G is not a superhero identity but a grease-heavy plate of fried rice, sweet spongy chicken, a drooling tasteless spring roll and some wonton soup made from Lipton's Onion Powder.

Jan. 25th 2003 I never did protect my wife's reputation by calling her Fassbinder, as I claimed. In fact, by calling her Fassbinder I may have done irreparable damage.

Feb. 1st: After citing Asbestos, Quebec as one of the worst tourist destinations in the world, I went there. It was also one of the worst places to hang around in.

Feb. 3rd: At the end of the entry I implied that I was going to gamble. I never did.

Feb 5th: I am not actually humptrous in thy sight, as the title maintains. Also, that 20 inch grinder I claimed to have was repossessed only days before I wrote the entry. I was ashamed.

Feb 9th: After writing my critique of select items on the Humpty's menu, I discovered that I had misinterpreted its iconography. The items set off against a bright yellow background are not heart smart or healthy. There are no 'Heart Smart' or 'Healthy Choice' options on the menu. Instead, a tasteful notice running along the lower margins notes that Egg Beaters can be substituted for eggs. I decided not to correct the entry, though, because I suspect that, just as the milkweed mimics the monarch, the Humpty's menu is designed to resemble other family restaurants, by emphasizing certain items on the menu and suggesting by emphasis alone that the Linguini Supreme with Meatballs possesses a certain quality that the Salmon Caesar Salad in a Taco Bowl does not. Given the ethos of family restaurants today, with their duplicitous offers of healthy food designed to appease the superegoes of their ruinously fat patrons, it's no surprise that I assumed the unnamed 'certain quality' to be health.

Feb 12th:Well, I could've been a Merovingian accountant in a past life, you know. There were Merovingians, and I'm pretty sure they had accounts, so why not a Merovingian accountant? And given that the phenomenon of reincarnation cannot be disproved, therefore my statement cannot be disproved, and my erstwhile lie slides into an indeterminate proposition. Okay, let's see, on the payables side we've got the Holy Blood of the Lord and the claim to Jerusalem, and on the receivables there's that matter of three horses still owed to the Pope.

More lies to come!

parode - exode