MY GIANT COFFEE RANT WHICH, ON REREADING, IS SURPRISINGLY SMUTTY

I still remember the first time I ever saw one of those oversized xx-large superphallus Starbucks coffee cups. They call them Venti, but I call them Superphallus. I was watching a scene from Beverly Hills 90210 (I wonder if anyone ever came up with a porn spoof called 'Beaverly Hills 90210'? Yes.) in which some blond-haired guy is standing around in an office with some red-haired girl and they're holding these enormous cups of coffee, like upside-down traffic cones. They were so telegenically oversized that you couldn't really focus on anything but the coffee and its freaking sanitized mermaid (the mermaid's navel used to be represented on the logo, but not any more, because, you know, where navels go, cunts are sure to follow, and Starbucks doesn't want anyone to lift a Grande Blendi-Infuso Fruit Bomb to their lips and think "uh oh, mermaid pussy".).

That was a good five years ago, and the supersizing of coffee cups has now spread to every cafe and barista hut in North America. For some reason we've become a culture utterly obsessed with size - dick size, booty and booby size, portion size, vehicle size, residence size, supersize, biggie size, and onward. It seems that in our abundance, our leisure and luxury we have become more primitive than ever, more atavistic and stupid. Are SUVs big rumbling death traps that make insurance execs rub their bony hands together in glee? Who cares? You're way up high! Bigger houses mean bigger piles of garbage? Whatever! Conchita or Yasmina can clean that up. No wonder al Qaeda attacked the World Trade Center - the buildings were so damn big. I picture bin Laden sitting in a conference room cave somewhere, saying: Forget the nuclear plants and military installations. Let's hit them right in the size.

ASK NOT WHAT GOOGLE CAN DO FOR YOU:

Number of webpages in which the word "evil" appears on www.whitehouse.gov: 881
Number of pages in which "evil" appears in conjunction with "saddam": 220
Number of pages featuring "saddam": 1,830
Number of pages featuring "osama bin laden": 319
Number of times Bush has actually mentioned Osama bin Laden by name since assuming office: 27
Number of times he mentioned bin Laden before September 11th, expressed as a percentage: 0%
Number of times he mentioned bin Laden between September 11th and December 31st 2001: 66.6%
Number of times in 2002: 26%
In 2003: 7.4%
In 2004: 0
Last date on which Bush said "bin Laden" aloud in public: June 24, 2003

BUT WHAT YOU CAN DO WITH GOOGLE

What does George W. Bush consider evil?

people
actions
acts
ones
a doer
doers
a man
men
enemies
a person
people
rulers
deeds
his dynasty
a regime
an axis
they
terrorism
instruments
designs and powers
goals
presence
the very worst of human nature
a force
that same value
their intentions
anybody

A few attributes of evil:

it knows no holiday
it doesn't welcome Thanksgiving or Christmas season
it knows no borders, no boundaries
it is harboured
it is represented
it has a face
it is real
it has servants of its own
it must always be opposed

REFERRAL FEAR

It seems that my site is once again showing up on higly inappropriate or misleading google searches. On Google.ca I'm number one for "fuck saskatchewan," but I rank in seventh place in all the world for "nunchuk lessons". Not only do I not offer nunchuk lessons, I question the wisdom of looking for online nunchuk tutorials. People, don't you have an older brother who smokes crystal meth in the garage and kills cats with homemade throwing stars? For Christ's sake, go ask him.

parode - exode