I used to wonder what in the world could be more embarrasing than listening to pampered celebrities make half-baked pleas for peace, understanding, vegetarianism, animal rights - the whole panoply of sentimental bourgeois causes. Now I know. Bruce Willis has posted a $1 million dollar bounty on Saddam Hussein. That's right: one million Freedom Bucks to the man who captures that grizzled old tyrant. He told soldiers in Northern Iraq: "If you catch him, just give me four seconds with Saddam Hussein". Then he played some more blues.

This is even more embarrasing than Frank Sinatra threatening Communists. Here's a secret: Bruce Willis is a right-wing tit who has lost the ability to distinguish between himself and his characters. What's Willis going to do next? Roam freely throughout Southeast Asia and take out Osama Bin Laden? What a crapwad. What a waste of a million dollars. That's a whole lot of Iraqi children getting meals and medicine, Bruce. Or if you really support the troops, why don't you pay for their hospital meals?

Just a note to say that I fully expect Bruce Willis to read this entry (since, ya know, this is a weblog and therefore immensely important) and contact me. We'll patch up our differences and he'll take me out on his yacht and we'll go bluefin fishing. Then at night we'll relax around a beach bonfire and he'll explain that his macho posturing is really a defense against the emotional wounds that Demi inflicted on him. Then he'll cry, and cry, and I'll pat him on the back like a true friend. Swift as a cobra he'll grab my forearm and flip me into the fire, where I'll rue having started this damn diary.

parode - exode