NEWS ITEM: IRAQ POSSESSED THE SOLARANITE
Washington (PNW) - At an emergency press conference this morning, Donald Rumsfeld and an alien from an advanced race revealed today that Iraq, "in the months leading up to war," actively pursued and gained possession of the Solaranite.
"The Solaranite is possibly the greatest weapon of mass destruction in the galaxy," Rumsfeld warned. "Finally, we understand the diabolical plans of a petty tyrant who was willing to destroy the entire universe in his mad quest to halt freedom in its tracks".
The weapon was found found in an underground bunker 60 miles west of Mosul. Coalition forces were led there by Eros, representative from an advanced alien race who were visiting the Earth in an unrelated attempt to raise the dead.
The Solaranite (Solar-uh-night), Eros explained, is a weapon that actually ignites sunlight. He warned that the use of the weapon could lead to a chain reaction of massive universal destruction.
"Ignite the sunlight here, gentlemen - and you ignite the sunlight everywhere!" Eros warned.
He went on to tell reporters that his race had known of the technology for "aeons of your Earth years," but their wise minds had decided not to develop the technology.
Eros claimed that he had previously warned Saddam Hussein of the potential dangers. According to Eros, Saddam's response was to point out that it would make Iraq even more powerful than it already was.
"You see?" said Rumsfeld. "His stupid mind! Stupid! Stupid!"
Eros agreed, before getting into his flying saucer and wobbling into space. He declined to explain why, if his race was so advanced, they wore medieval costumes and flew around in hubcaps on strings.