ED WOOD WILL HAVE HIS RECURSIVE REVENGE ON MY ABILITY TO APPRECIATE CINEMA

You see? Your stupid films! Stupid!

STILL-AVAILABLE SUPERHERO ROLES

1. Immerse your right arm in liquid nitrogen. You will have a super-hard battering arm. Wear a Mexican wrestling mask and walk the streets as El Brazo-Congela. Throw nitrogen-frozen bananas at criminals. Attach nitrogen-frozen balloons to your back; as they warm up they will expand, giving you the power of buoyancy. Your superhero escapades will delight children of all ages, every hour on the hour, 7 days a week at the Kramer Science Centre.

2. Get your Ph.D in Superhero Studies. Stop crime with paralyzing dissertations on the transgendered performative nature of the modern superhero and the exploration of the ambiguous sado-sexual relationship between State (hero) and Subject (criminal). Refute your own role as interpellator of hegemonic power. Take yourself to jail. Sodomize yourself somehow.

3. Find an office tool (stapler, hole punch, alligator clip). Manipulate the tool. You are Office Cyborg! Part human. Part machine. All cyborg. Unleashed on your work environment, you destroy cubicle walls and sign memos clumsily with your robotic hands. Your battle cry: "I read and understand!"

4.Sneak into the closet and close the door. Start punching clothes and kicking boxes. You are The Closet Avenger.

5.Join the Jehovah's Witnesses. You may not acquire super strength or a metal hand or specialized vision, but you will receive eternal life in an Earthly paradise. When you're not wearing plaid and horsing around with lions and bears, you'll have plenty of time to hone your killing instincts. Go find the bad guys who snuck into Paradise and kick their asses right off your planet.

6.You're up on the highwire when a sudden compulsion makes you descend the ladder, walk out of the big top and the circus life, and hit the road. You hitchhike through the small towns and the forgotten corners of your country until you come to the most idyllic cornfed prairie town in all the world. The townsfolk will see your spangly clinging outfit and assume that you're a superhero. At first you will deny it, but after you've eaten their food and slept with all their young good-looking people in a single night, the truth will dawn on you: you can take these hayseeds for all they're worth. Bloated from food and drained from sex, you will be gloating over your good fortune until the entire town ritually sacrifices you in a ceremony intended to promote higher import tariffs on grains and flax.

parode - exode