LOOK YOUR BEST IN JACKAL MOVIE SUNGLASSES, or NO ONE WILL KNOW WHO YOU ARE IN JACKAL MOVIE SUNGLASSES or DON'T YOU MEAN RAY-BANS, YOU TITS?

My brother sent me an email with a few cogent observations about searching and referring:

"Well, I typed 'jackal movie sunglasses' into the google search box, and hit the 'I'm feeling lucky' button. Lo and behold, it immediately shuttles me to Palinode's rants, raves, and pointless yet astute observations. It then occurred to me that the more times you point out the searches for jackal movie sunglasses, your site will rank higher and higher in the google listings of that strangely trendy phrase. Therefore, anyone who searches for those sunglasses, for whatever dark reason they may have, will be more likely to find your site. So by ever so often mentioning the oft searched-for sunglasses, you guarantee yet more hits to your site from those desperate to attain jackal movie sunglasses.... The worst thing is, this shows that people have watched The Jackal, and desire to buy its horrible, horrible merchandise."

Amen and thanks. My brother, he'll be on the couch all week if you need him. In other news, I keep getting more hits for 'naked women vampires'. Hello, devotee of nocturnal sanguinous deviance and nudity! You fan of blood and boobs! Hail to you! Why do you bother coming here, unless you think a young R. Nixon makes a good erotic substitute? It could be that someone out there has a favourites strategy akin to mine: if I happen on a good website that pops up in an unrelated Google search, I memorize the search string and the site's approximate Google rank instead of bookmarking the site. It's a deeply OCD kind of act. I'm thinking of starting another web site consisting of nothing but phrases likely to draw hits from lonely men and craft-hungry homemakers. If only I'd thought of this circa 1998 - I could demonstrate the drawing power of my content to a roomful of credulous venture capitalists and then have my IPO skyrocket on its very first day on the NASDAQ. I'd rent an old warehouse in the, uh, in the warehouse district. My office would be circumferenced by an inline skate track moulded from day-glo orange plastic. Instead of track lighting I'd have halogen spot lights aimed at a gigantic disco ball. There'd be a kennel for employees' pets. I'd hire Johnny Lee Miller just to hang out.The Wall Street Journal and SmartMoney would proclaim: "A Bull Day for ReferBusters.com and that's No Bull!" I'd be a smug young rich bastard five years ago.

THE IMAGINATION IS THE PLACE WE ARE ALL TRYING TO GET TO (stabs self, smiles for camera)

David Hampton, the con man who claimed to be the son of Sidney Poitier, has died at age 39. Hampton's story inspired playwright John Guare¹ to write² "Six Degrees of Separation" and take out a restraining order against Hampton after the play became a success. The obituary mentioned that Hampton's story also inspired a movie starring Will Smith. I assume that's Wild Wild West. Just for once I'd like to see a real life story inspire a movie starring Kool Moe Dee. Oh wait... Mario van Peebles' 1995 Panther. Although Dee, as 'Jamal,' is listed a few places below the charismatic Khalil Nelson as 'Boy on Bike'. I love cast names like 'Boy on Bike'. I'm going to go search for 'Man with Head' on IMDb.

THE RESULTS! (of 'Man with Head' search)

Man with Shaved Head (Braslet-2)
Man with Head Wound (Zheng yue shi wu zhi yi sheng yi shi)
Man with Spaghetti on Head (Scared Stiff)
Man with Bandaged Head (Crime Wave)
Man with Saucepan on Head (Twenty Four Seven)
Man with Pen in Head (Daredevil)
Injured Man with Head Bandaged (The Chaser)

Apparently your head needs some attribute or object to make it into a cast list. Your run-of-the-mill head doesn't cut it on the silver screen. My favourite movie title has to be Braslet-2. I can picture the dialogue:

Lysukhin: Comrade Afrikan Savin. You have the braslet?
Savin: Yes, Comrade Lysukhin. Hopefully matters will not arise to complicate the smooth exchange of braslet for bulging suitcase of American cash.
Lysukhin: Of course not. We have picked this Alpine pass for a good reason.
Man with Shaved Head: Comrades! I trade your braslet and your suitcase of cash... for a lifetime of insanity.
Savin: Ahhh! A champagne bottle filled with liquid LSD!
Lysukhin: The fiend.

¹pronounced GWARRRR!

²"Inspired [him] to write". That sounds wrong somehow. I don't even know what to call a transitive verb phrase wired to an infinitive. How about: inspired him good? Inspired him right good? David Hampton's story inspired John Guare right Jesus good there, boys? I grew up in a redneck shithole. I ever tell you that?

parode - exode