In the basement office bathroom a stick of 'workout strength' Adidas deodorant stands on the sink counter. According to the label, the stuff is scented 'energizing citrus' (I didn't remove the top to find out what energizing citrus smells like). Actually, it doesn't say "With energizing citrus scent" or "Now smelling more like lemons than anything else". It just says 'energizing citrus' and that's it. Does the stuff just smell citrusy or is it a kind of motivational deodorant, some weird fusion of a lemon and Tony Robbins in a pitstick? The prospect disturbs me. Maybe it really is energizing, supplying energy to the body with fruit sugars being broken down with bacterial enzymes present in sweat. Potential problems may arise from overly powerful armpits, such as The Hulk sports.

BRAND AWARENESS

I've been watching TV and surfing the Internet lately, and I think that not enough is being done to raise brand awareness. For shame! Brands are the engines that power our psyches. When you go to sleep at night you do so on a mattress that happens to be manufactured by people - hard-working people who love what they do. When they put the label on the mattress, or that pair of shoes, or that washing machine, it is their mark of pride. And brands are how we express our solidarity with the people who make the products that we consume. So with that in mind, I think it's time that we gave a little back to the companies that have given me so much. I don't know what you guys are doing, but I've written short entertaining stories that feature real people going through real situations with the brands that they love so much. I figure it's the least I could do.

Adele crawled towards the French doors separating the kitchen and the living room, a slick of blood from the wound in her abdomen gently helping the uncoordinated efforts of her arms. Steve leaned against the marble surface of the island, holding his still-smoking shotgun in one hand and drinking a Coke. He took a sip, enjoying the sweet bite of the drink, the way the bubbles fizzed along the roof of the mouth as the liquid seemed to take hold and pinch his tastebuds. He knew that some people preferred Pepsi or even other cola beverages, but none of them had quite satisfied him the way Coke Classic did. Pepsi was too bitter for his liking, Tab and RC Cola were thin somehow, and as for that no-name stuff - forget it. It was, Steve decided, Coke or nothing for him. Coke really was it. "You know, Adele," he said, "Coke is It". Adele's fingers touched the brass lip that ran along the edge of the living room carpet. "Oh no," Steve said. "You're not getting blood on that carpet". He placed the bright red can of Coke on the island, bent down and pulled her by the ankle back between the island and the back cupboards. Adele gave out a low moan, whether or pain or despair Steve could not tell. He nodded soundlessly and shot her point-blank in the back of the head. "This is going to be a real mess", Steve said. He picked the can up and took another sip. He considered urinating on the body for a moment, then poured the rest of the Coke on her.

This is the first in a series of short stories dedicated to raising brand awareness. I will wait for one week to see if brand awareness has been raised. I expect that one week is more than enough time to raise brand awareness sufficiently, but if not, I will supply another story. I've also thought that perhaps one week is too long to wait, and that perhaps brand awareness may spike significantly over a 48 hour period following the story's appearance but decline precipitously afterward, so that within a seven day period, visible brand awareness increase may be so statistically insignificant that my careful study may prove useless, and my plans crumble about me. In which case I will drink an entire bottle of Jhirmack and tearfully bid farewell to this cruel world.

parode - exode