Here's some content from the rest of my writing life. It's an article for a print version of The National Pist (link below), a newspaper dedicated to the mixed joys of alcohol. The paper's due out in August.

Companies Develop Alcohol-Fuelled Cell Phones

The race is on to find exciting new uses and add-ons for cell phones. Keypads, cameras, and bar code scanners are already available, but mobile technology companies seek to turn your average cell-phone into something else: a flask.

As far back as 1995 Toshiba patented a technology that allows cell phones to run on alcohol. In 2001 Motorola announced the development of a prototype cell phone fuelled by methanol. Their energy technology division employed fuel cell technology to wring energy from a small quantity of methanol, enough to power your busy social life for up to a month - up to five times longer than the life of a rechargeable phone battery. Once the fuel cartridge is used up, simply pop in a new one and talk away. Soon you will be able to take those calls without fear of power failure, whether you�re in rush hour traffic or sitting at the premiere of The Hulk.

So much for talking. What about drinking? Cell phones have given us the freedom to take our housebound phones onto the street and atop bar tables everywhere, but for unrestricted, uninterrupted public intoxication, we have been stuck with the most primitive of technologies - the paper bag, the slurpee cup, the brazen lie and the classy but obvious hip flask. No more.

Despite Motorola�s admirable intentions, their prototype carries one flaw: the toxic methanol � not to mention the non-refillable cartridge. Methanol is wood alcohol, a last resort for the desperate and driven drunk who will willingly flirt with blindness and brain damage for a few hours of oblivion. Fortunately, scientists at Saint Louis University have solved the problem.

The Saint Louis team chose ethanol over methanol for a few reasons - its relative lack of toxicity and ease of acquisition being two of the biggest ones. According to one grad student, beer and wine don�t work very well, but three drops of any hard alcohol will power a small fuel cell for up to a month. Any hard alcohol. These scientists are practically begging us to take our phones and turn them into talking booze bottles.

A spokesperson for the Saint Louis team is confident that ethanol fuel cell technology will be on store shelves within two years. Surely refillable cartridges, miniature decanters and discreet little straws cannot be more than three or four years over the horizon. The only foreseeable issue is the tiny amount of alcohol available in each cell phone. Three drops can only equal at best five millilitres of Crown Royal or Aztec Gold. Since five millilitres equals 0.176 UK fluid ounces, it would take approximately six months to imbibe the equivalent of one scotch on the rocks and a year and a half to finish off a Zombie. When you�re sitting at the premiere of The Hulk, though, every drop helps.

parode - exode