Once more dyed the rich red colour of sockeye salmon

real outfits for the lads: Smug Mountie is drunk with lemonade and power
real outfits for the lads: future redneck rancher is two seconds away from whuppin' you
real outfits for the lads: you can't see it, but this kid's wearing chaps.
Flashy Gene Autry sling style holster, with artificial firearm and Curse of Gene Autry
Real outfits for the panicked Home Front

Vitals

Written by the guy who hums to himself as he paws through the dumpster

Fueled by rage and fresh roasted peanuts

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Fueled by rage and fresh roasted peanuts

mondo mutants

Man, I thought I'd seen it all, but then I went and saw X-Men 2, and I realized that I'd seen it all except X-Men 2. And when the lights went up, I realized that I hadn't seen some of the people in the audience either, so I added them to the list, and then I thought I'd seen it all. But then I saw an empty package of Skor Bites in the parking lot. Now I've seen it all.

X-Men 2, or more properly X-2: X-Men United, may be a bit confusing for people who've never read the comics. I haven't read the comics myself, and I have to confess that I was actually in the next theatre over watching Identity, but I think I managed to figure it out. As far as I can tell, the movie revolves around a struggle between Captain Picard (Ralph Richardson) and Gandalf (Laurence Olivier) to save the world from the evil Brian Cox. Did you see him in Manhunter? Whoah.

So anyway, after an unsuccessful attempt on the president's life by Smoky the Blue Gollum (Burton Cummings), Brian Cox takes advantage of the anti-Middle Earth sentiment to raid the Starfleet Academy and take the students on an Extreme Field Trip to a dam in Alaska, which is actually Cox's underground bachelor pad. His efforts are partly thwarted by the Tasmanian Devil (a mighty young-looking Mel Gibson! How does that man do it?). Meanwhile, Gandalf, in a classic from-the-frying-pan-into-the-fire move, has escaped Saruman's clutches only to fall into the hands of the evil Brian Cox. When Picard goes to Gandalf for help, Cox kidnaps Picard and his right hand man Geordi LaForge (formerly played by Levar Burton, X-Men 2 makes a bold step in colour-blind casting and has Rob Lowe take up the role) in order to secure a role in Star Trek 11: The Quickening.

When things look at their bleakest for the Captain and his plucky band of freaks, Gandalf's assistant Clinique (Rebecca Romijn Saget) launches a sexy scheme to help him bust out of jail. I won't reveal the details of his escape, but it sure shows what a man who's fought a Balrog can do when he runs out of patience. The tremendous twosome take off and track down the rest of the talented team. And what a team it is! Hot actress Jean Grey plays Famke Janssen, a secretary with amazing mutant powers of dictation. Anna Paquin, the New Zealand actress who first came to prominence in Jane Campion's critically acclaimed The Piano, tags along as Roque, a living embodiment of the popular Victorian passtime and precursor to croquet. And hey - remember the news that Halle Berry's Jinx character from the latest Bond movie is getting her own spinoff? Well, it looks like they've given Jinx some super powers, a fabulous blonde 'do and surprisingly, an ensemble part as one of the X-Men team! I'm not sure it was the right decision, but Halle is fetching as ever. I bet you got a little green with envy too when Paul Rubens gave her that lip-lock on Oscar night.

With the whole talented team together, they go on a mission to rescue Captain Picard, Geordi and those field-tripping kids. When they get there, though, Picard is so into the evil Brian Cox's home entertainment system that he jacks up the volume until everyone is paralyzed. Eventually everyone is rescued, Gandalf and Clinique return to Middle Earth, Picard and crew blast off into space, and the evil Brian Cox is defeated. But then it turns out that the entire movie is a tortured hallucination taking place in the mind of a prisoner on death row. Man, what a rip-off.

Retracted on 2003-05-07::4:02 p.m.


parode - exode


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