Yesterday I promised you an extravaganza (Waitress: What'll ya have? Customer: burger, fries, extra vaganza on my patty. Waitress: Extra vaganza is 50 cents. Customer: What a rip off. My mother keeps homemade vaganza in a dozen Mason jars on a shelf in the basement.) featuring Anton Szandor LaVey, Marty Feldman and Gilles de Rais. What follows is an excerpt. It is not the entire work. If this were the entire work you would receive instructions on where to go and what to do next (hint: find the nearest field and burrow in for the hard years ahead).
"NIGHT MOVES"
A graveyard at night. Full moon. Marty Feldman, TV and film comedian, stands next to an open grave. Anton Szandor LaVey, head of the Church of Satan, stands on the other side of the grave.
LaVey: By attending Church and worshipping the archon Jehovah, you actually serve the Devil with your hypocritical lusts. Truly, you fool, you pious blathering fool, it is at my altar that you worship.
Feldman: [Holds up title card] Pardon me, I just came from a silent film and I'm feeling transported.
Gilles de Rais, famed 14th century French nobleman noted for raping and killing young boys, runs up and stands next to Feldman. He is out of breath, and holds up his hand to indicate that he wishes to speak. Feldman and LaVey wait for him to catch his wind.
de Rais: Bonjour! Je cherche des beaux ephebes pour ravir. [Hello! He searches for beautiful children to ravish]
LaVey: I approve.
Feldman: [Holds up sign] I'm taken aback, but you seem like a nice fellow all the same.
de Rais: [brandishes a knife] J'inflige une blessure du couteau � vous! [He inflicts a wound of the knife to Marty Feldman!]
Feldman: [holds up sign] You can't kill me; I'm already dead.
Feldman falls into open grave.
Awkward pause. LaVey and de Rais stare at each other. LaVey clears his throat.
LaVey: You know -
de Rais: Je vous poignarde! [He knifes LaVey!] Et... je me frappe d'un coup de couteau! [And... he strikes himself a blow of the knife!]
de Rais falls into open grave. We hear Marty Feldman give a startled yell.
LaVey: Je n'ai jamais conjug� tous des verbes en fran�ais. [He never conjugated all the French verbs.]
[He falls into the open grave as well. Pause. Marty Feldman yells again.]
THE END
ANNOUNCING &C.
Over the weekend I sat down with D�dalus and we started to hash out the logistics of starting our own website. A funny sobriquet bound between three w's and a dot com. But what's the purpose of the site? Well. You've probably guessed by now that D�dalus and I are President and CEO of Vaganza International. Most people think we're vaganza producers, but the truth is that we've occupied the vital vaganza marketing and distribution niche, constantly seeking out new methods make vaganza more accessible to the consuming public. Our upcoming website, www.vaganzawareness.com, will carry loads of info and great features, like bulk vaganza, cool vaganza duds and other merchandise, a vaganza merchant directory, and best of all, an interactive panoramic tour of your typical awesome vaganza factory. So far we've devised a kickin' FAQ section. Here is a sample of what's kickin'.
What exactly does Vaganza look like?
Vaganza in its rawest form is a smooth paste, with a slight translucence like custard, but with an inner radiance. If your Vaganza seems dark and clotted, like hummus, you have brought anger with you and should depart at once to resolve your issues.
What is it made of?
Vaganza is a propietary organic compound with a polymeric array of 'spare' molecules attached to nanoreceptors for human pheromones. Supplemental lipids and neurotransmitters allow Vaganza to to learn via basic punishment/reward stimuli.
How is Vaganza made?
The manufacture of Vaganza is a jealously guarded secret, but we can tell you that it's made in stadium-sized warehouses packed end to end with huge shiny vats. Steel walkways criss-crossing the rafters are patrolled by men in grey jumpsuits and anxious clipboard-toting technicians in white lab coats and hardhats. The hardhats are inexplicable. All the factories are located next to funeral homes and graveyards for no reason at all.
Would Vaganza ever mack on my sister?
Vaganza learns by example, filth-hog. Display proper behaviour and your Vaganza will model itself faithfully after you. But make sure you teach it who's boss.
Wherefore Vaganza, and whither same?
Alas, no one may know, for humankind does not have the power to pierce the veil of the past or the future. We are blind. Vaganza, help us in our blindness!
If Vaganza is paired with another object in a sentence, would it be referred to as the former or the latter? And would it be satisfied with its designation, or launch a campaign to switch, first entreating, then sighing, then with murderous intent and rapacious lust arising? Look out for that vaganza, and be sure of what you're doing when you add that little extra. Do not lend it the mute power of mass.
This answer is under construction. Come back soon!
*
Extravagant - early 14c., from M.L. extravagantem, originally a word in Canon Law for uncodified papal decrees, prp. of extravagari "wander outside or beyond," from L. extra "outside of" + vagari "wander, roam." Extended sense of "excessive, extreme" first recorded 1599; that of "wasteful, lavish" 1711. Extravaganza is a 1754 borrowing of the It. version of the word, meaning "peculiar behavior" at first; sense of "fantastic performance" is 1794. (def. taken from online etymology dictionary)
