LAST NIGHT I DREAMED THAT I WAS THE KIND OF PERSON WHO WROTE LETTERS TO THE NEW YORK REVIEW OF BOOKS, BUT WHEN I WOKE UP THEY WERE ALL ADDRESSED TO THE SUBSCRIPTIONS DEPARTMENT

Dear New York Review of Books,

Recently I responded to a tear-away subscription offer in one of your issues. The form invited me to "Become part of an audience of incisive readers... and save money while you're at it!". I am already an incisive reader - indeed, my childhood mentors and tutors often remarked on my incisiveness - but until now I have never been part of an audience, an incisive community of readers, as it were, you see. You can appreciate the momentous atmosphere in my apartment as I inscribed the cheque for three years of issues at $170.50.

While I am proud to say that I have "join[ed] the relatively small but influential group of people who rely on the New York Review of Books for informative, beautifully written, often controversial essays from some of the most brilliant thinkers of our time," I am disappointed to report that I have not saved any money. To be frank, I wasn't quite certain as to how this money saving scheme was going to work; I figured that I'd send in my cheque and instructions would follow. After a few issues I thought, not unreasonably, that money saving tips were included somewhere in the magazine itself, buried in between the phenomenological film reviews and expos�s of art-world scullduggery. Coupons? Bargain-hunting suggestions? Low-cost home decoration solutions? But to no avail: just the occasional Ashbery poem and those smug, mocking subscription tearaways holding out their false promises.

I have been receiving your fine magazine for a year now and to date I have not saved a penny through your magazine. Indeed, after reading an article on industrial agriculture I have switched to organic produce and local free-range meats, which costs me considerably more per month. Shame on you, New York Review of Books. Shame on you.

Sincerely,
Milt Filters

*

To: Mr. Milt Filters

Dear Sir,

Thank you for taking the time to voice your opinions and concerns to The New York Review of Books. As the country's premier literary intellectual magazine, we value your input and are always glad to consider the words of a cultured and intelligent reader such as yourself.

At first, Mr. Filters, we were a bit perplexed by your letter. Although the tearaway does promise savings, you should understand that those savings only occur in the context of the subscription rates that we offer to our customers. You, for example, would have paid a shocking $270.00 for three years of the NYRB at newsstand rates. With your subscription you've already saved $100.00 off the regular newsstand price! Wow. That's just - I mean, every time we say it we're pretty stoked, but to see it written down like that, the experience is - let's just say that we're happy, Mr. Fingers. Aren't you?

We hope that this clears up any misunderstanding, and we hope that you will consent to be part of that "small but influential group" for many years to come.

Best regards,

The NYRB Subscription Department
cc: Editor's desk

*

To: New York Review of Books
From: Milt Filters

Dear Big-heads,

I see now that rumours of the NYRB's intelligence were greatly exaggerated. I was hoping that you would pick out the subtext of my last letter and answer appropriately, and thereby spare yourselves some embarrassment. I see now that you do not deserve my mercy, but I will favour you with some plain talk.

What I really want to know is this: Why is your magazine pandering to people with grotesquely oversized heads? Is the "small but influential group" to which you refer a cabal of vain hydrocephalics? Why else would illustration after illustration distort the features of our best and brightest by giving them those gigantic heads atop tiny little bodies? Do you think Samuel Beckett's literary corpus or Isiah Berlin's philosophical work is thus dignified? The most charitable explanation I can offer is that your art department has overextended its PC sensibilities in an attempt not to offend the "cranially challenged," or whatever it is you bastions of liberal sensitivity are calling them these days. Well I for one am sick of it. Shame on you, NYRB. Shame on you.

Get cancer,

Milt Fingers
cc: The President

*

To: Mr. Milt Filters

Dear Sir,

With due honour and respect,I am Dr.Ibrahim Bamba,the Director incharge of Audit and accounts unit,Foreign Remittance Dept.of International Bank of Africa Lome-Togo. I got your email address recommended by a Togolaise business consultant,Elder John Kafui and I decided to contact you for this beneficial and a 100% risk free business transaction. During our Audit and investigation in this bank,my department came across the sum of (US$15,100,000,00)fiftheen million one hundred thousand united States Dollars only belonging to a japanese international business man who died along his next of Kin in the 5th November 1997 plane crash in Abidjan. Before our discovery to this development,there was no trace of claim from any person as the funds remains dormant in his account in this bank,although I keep this information secret within my jurisdiction to enable us put claims and transfer the said amount through a trustworthy friend oversea's whom we shall present to the bank as the next of Kin to the deceased for a profitable and successful deal. Meanwhile,all the arrangment to put claims as the bonafide NEXT-OF-KIN to the deceased,to get the required approvals and transfer of this money to a foreign account has been put in place.The directives and the needed information shall be relayed to you as soon as you indicate your interest and willingness to benefit yourself from this great business oppurtunity. Infact we could have done this deal alone but because we civil servant are not legally allowed to operate foreign account and It would eventually raise eyebrows on our side during the time of transfer because we are staffs of the bank. These are the actual reasons it requires a second fellow who will forward claims by our support as the bonafide NEXT-OF-KIN Togolaise court affidavit to the bank and also present a foreign bank account where the money on his/her request be transfered into On conlclusion of this transaction,you will be entitled to 25% of the total sum as gratification.5% of the total sum will be used to re-emburse expenses that might arise from telephone bills and other expenses during the transaction,while 70% will be for me and my partners here. Please you have been adviced to keep top secret as we are still in service and intend to retire from service as soon as we conclude this deal with you. I will be monitoring the whole situation here in this bank until you confirm the money in your account.We will then come down to your country for subsequent sharing according to the percentage previously indicated and for investment in any country you may advise us to. All othe neccessary information will be sent to you when I hear from you.I suggest you get back to me as soon as possible,to enable us proceed. Yours faithfully Dr.Ibrahim Bamba

parode - exode